What's in a Name?

Well, it's finally happened. The veil has been lifted; the curtain pulled back; the deviants and darlings unmasked. Just this past week, dating monolith of the interwebs and continual source of disappointment, OkCupid, has announced to get rid of a profile’s username, and instead, use an individual’s real name. Say whaaaa? No more eggplantemoji69?

Since 2004, the mostly-free, cyber-speed-dating-laundromat had hosted an anonymous forum. At first you could message any profile you wanted, and like Myspace, could technically set up a profile as anyone you wanted. Slowly that changed…something about women getting harassed. I swear, that was the reason. Then, only people you liked and who liked you back could contact you; this going along the lines of Tinder. The problem was that simple-pimple men couldn’t keep their net neutral dicks in their net neutral pants, and like most situations in life, came on way too aggressive than appropriate.

I know what you’re thinking, how does putting your real name instead of a clever, oh-so-funny username help in reducing harassment? Was that there intention? Let’s go straight to the horse shall we?

“Starting today, first names are replacing usernames on OkCupid. We hope this brings some humanity back to dating.” - OkCupid

To answer your nagging questions, it doesn’t. The whole “humanity” line is horseshit. If you want to bring “humanity” back...GET OFF YOUR COMPUTER. How does being called “Doris” instead of NuhuhGirlfriend85 make this process any more humane? He’s still only going to message you “heeeyyy girl, what time your legs close?” and continue with one-word responses until you give in and send a nude. Your humanity is reduced when you find out the horrifying truth that there are 50 Jacob’s in a 10 mile radius. How about profiling? Yes, it was a pun. What happens when people start judging you based on how you spell your name? I know I already do. There’s no “I” in “Kelly”. “Michael” is not pronounced the same as “Micheal”, and when you can’t speak a lick of English, it’s unnerving to have the name “Jack” or “Chad”.

Some naysayers are saying this is an invasion of privacy. As an unofficial representative of OkCupid, I respond with…what privacy? It’s ironic that this aggression towards a sense of loss of individuality on the internet comes right at the same time we all lost a little notion called “net neutrality”. So as your thumbs bleed with opinions tweeted into the void, just know that now that void has a cost, and places where you thought no one was watching, someone always was. Like having night sex on the beach, and in the near distance, seeing a soft red ember amongst the enshrouding darkness as a voyeur drags on his cigarette. The good thing is we all secretly love being watched.

Don’t fret, just like going into porn, there’s always a clever way to give yourself a nom de plume. The ol’ standard for the blue movie industry is the name of your first pet + the street you lived on when you were a child. For example, if you’re lucky, your name could be “Steely Thunderass” or if you weren’t meant to go into porn, your name will end up being “Max 28th”. While there is no official configuration for the cyber-dating-buffet just yet – people with much larger lab coats are working on that one, trust me – here is a simple tool in order to protect your privacy, conceal your identity, and still be intriguing enough to get a gold star from some asshole who doesn’t deserve any amount of your independence.

Your First Name: The very next inanimate object your nose touches.

Your Middle Name: The very next bodily function that occurs.

Your Last Name: What you heard in the background when you lost your virginity.

For example: Mine would be “Tissue Fart Donnie Brasco”.

See? Simple, right? Very effective. It’s a cool name that rivals any celebrity offspring nowadays. Suck it, Jaden! You keep your privacy, OkCupid gets their humanity, and I get to say something other than “Chris” or “Zach”. Everybody wins. While we continue to fret that we’ve given away a very valuable piece of ourselves, let’s not forget that the point of dating should be to make a real“connection”. Nowadays people love being a victim, so if you’re worried you will be outed, or marginalized, or itemized, or whatever it is you want to pretend to be done to, don’t sign up to something that requires a picture, a personality test, and a biography. Do it the ol’ fashioned way and put up a classified ad in the newspaper or wear a bag over your head when we go on a date. I know I’d prefer it.

Love,

Tissue Fart Donnie Brasco