Polaroid

Release Date: November 22, 2017

Genre: Horror

Director: Lars Klevberg

Writer: Blair Butler

Cast: Kathryn Prescott, Madelaine Petsch, Davi Santos

In this Halloween edition of Movies for Shmucks, let’s take a groupie: stick out your tongue and make a nonsensical, gang-wannabe finger gesture because you’re a Millennial and you’re YOLOing your way to death. Cheese!

“Hey. I found something.” First, can you sound anymore unenthusiastic? I know our generation is apathetic but if I found a box full of haunted memorabilia that has a laundry list of rules explaining how it will potentially kill me, I would at least feign interest. You know, like feigning interest for this movie right now.

Your Cable is out so you are rummaging through someone’s personals? Hey that was my solo red Ping Pong ball you just threw away. “What is that?” “It’s a camera.” Ok, come on. Dialogue is killing it right now. She’s never seen a camera before? Polaroids ain’t that old. It’s not like you have to pose for over an hour in front of it. I get it, it’s a bitch to fan the print but it’s not that archaic. “Are you ready?” Is there something wrong with these girls? Her face is so tortured, as if the flash is gonna burn off her skin. KABLAM! Ow that flash was fuckin’ bright. Did I just take an X-Ray? No wonder she was scared of that thing. I’m blind now!

Huh-huh-huh-huh. Someone is breathy. Shoulda paid that electric bill. I guess we know what happened to the Cable. Oh god the haunted Ping Pong ball is back. Ol’ Bouncy we call him. Good luck trying to get any sleep with that guy ping-pongin’ around. Woah she just reverse somersaulted into the ceiling. Teaches you a lesson for fiddling around in a stranger’s box and playing with their balls.

Ah, the famous Locust Harbor, where everyone has a strange camera fetish and a penchant for looking really uncomfortable when taking pictures. No one smiles anymore. Everyone in this movie is learning facial recognition for the first time apparently because they seem very shocked every time they encounter another person they might know. Take the damn picture already! He ain’t that ugly. “What’s that?” A FUCKIN’ CAMERA. This is the only dialogue so far. She got it at an antique store. Yes, back in the horse and buggy days people had cameras not attached to their phones.

“So cool”. You’re so dumb! “Try it out on me.” I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. Am I missing something here? It’s a fuckin’ camera. I dare someone else to ask “what’s that?” OW! That flash is gonna kill someone. “Group photo” We’re obnoxious and want it documented. “Photo bomb!” I can’t wait for these teens to get it. There’s that dumb-fuck look again.

Stop playing in the attic, Tyler! What does that boy do all day up there? He’s always by himself in the dark looking at grainy photos, reminiscing over someone else’s memories. Why can’t he just jerk off to porn like a normal boy? Uh-oh it looks like someone got into the good sheets again. Being a bedsheet ghost for Halloween must be in.

“I think you’re all in danger”. Ok one kid gets murdered in the attic and all of a sudden it’s the camera’s fault. Y’all were so enamored of the thing 30 seconds ago but just try to get away with murder and you’re kicked out of Mystery, Inc. “See that shadow? After Tyler died, the shadow moved to this photo. I think if the shadow moves to your photo, you die.” Well, stop thinking, it’s hurting your brain. Very convoluted. Who invents these rules? Camera ghost is very uncouth, photo bombing all those pics. Someone’s trying to get more Insta followers.

“Why don’t we get rid of the damn thing?” Check out rebel with a lighter. Great job, numb nuts, now the whole prison cafeteria is gonna catch fire. Hey you can smoke indoors? What kind of school is this? There goes Jenny trying to get attention again. Don’t even give her the satisfaction of putting out her arm fire; she’ll just do it again. At least he didn’t rip the photo in half, that would have been nasty.

“Sometimes to deal with tragedy, you just make up urban legends.” You do? Once my dog, Dr. Paws, got hit by a car and I went around saying my underwear was haunted and anyone who tried to touch them would instantly blow up, so I don’t wear underwear anymore. Thanks, Sarge. “Except this wasn’t an urban legend, this was real.” So is his underwear story. He’s going commando right now. Shit, they got newspapers to prove it. Find that at an antique store?

“You did this. You took the photo.” Hey, stop throwing things. I’m not gonna pick that up. These teens are so destructive. What ya throwing the camera for? What did it ever do to you? Oh.

“It’s moving.” You’re watching a video honey.

Sarge has adopted the dumb-fuck look too. Is Dr. Paws back from the dead? “Da door. Get da door.” She reverted back to a child, how cute. Heads up, when trying to escape, don’t try da door with da chains wrapped around it.

“Hello?” My favorite question in a horror movie, besides “what’s that?” It’s me, your camera ghost, just wanted to share this awesome pic with you and build an Instagram story. BAM. Head right into the unnecessarily low-hanging lamp. I know you kids don’t like using your heads, but don’t abuse them. Hey she literally turned the light on with her brain. I wonder if the big idea she just had was to turn on the fuckin’ lights so she doesn’t run into anything else. Oh my god, that ghost needs some lotion for it's dry skin.

Let this be a lesson to you kids, don’t take any more damn selfies, otherwise the selfie ghost will ruin every good picture. You’re not being cute, or funny, or smart with your dumb poses and your dumb face. Photo bomb! KABOOM.