Contact, Vol. V

The voice of KFC’s The Colonel changes constantly, but one unsettling truth remains: he would think we were finger lickin’ good.

How can a room be quiet? It doesn’t talk.

Humans have poor spatial awareness. Whether walking, driving, or floating through space, y’all aimlessly drift in front of others in motion.

We want to be hip too! Obviously the Ice Age didn’t kill dinosaurs. It was Obamacare.

We know where the center of the universe is. We’re not going to tell you because your race can’t even properly count how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

If a human is white and commits an act of terror, other white humans try real hard to come up with a justification for such behavior. If a human is not white and commits an act of terror, the only justification is being pure evil.

Hell yeah if we had a cake we’d eat it too. What’s the point of having the cake? Also…what’s a cake?

Of course Americans should celebrate Columbus Day. Celebrate your heritage of falsely claiming something because you don’t want to admit you’re terribly lost.

Halloween is a holiday for psychopaths. Only psychopaths give out apples to kids as a treat.

If a human touches a huwoman inappropriately, she deserved it. If a human touches another human inappropriately, it’s molestation. If a huwoman touches a human sexually, he’s one lucky human. If a human touches a huwoman sexually, it might be rape. If a human touches another human sexually, it’s disgusting and shameful. If a huwoman touches another huwoman sexually, that’s great television.