Contact, Vol. IV

So, what’s the deal with Mike Teavee? Does he now have like a micropenis or a really long, paper-thin penis? I’m asking on behalf of others of my species…you know…scientific purposes.

After hours of listening, we have finally written out the lyrics to the “Batman” TV theme:

Batman, Batman, Batman Batman, Batman, Batman, Batman Batman, Batman, Batman Batman, Batman, Batman, Batman Batman, Batman, Batman Batman, Batman, Batman, Batman Batman, Batman, Batman Batman, Batman, Batman, Batman Batman, Batman, Batman

Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da

Batman!

Do couples hold hands because that’s how they exchange vitals? In our species we do that how you’d call 'Human Centipede'.

Stop blaming a year or age for celebrity deaths and/or world travesties: 27, 69, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017. All you’re saying is life sucks constantly.

We assume claiming you have a nuclear bomb gets you into VIP events. Look out Elton John’s Oscar party, we got one pointed right at you.

If natural disasters are an act of vengeance by a supreme power and disease is a test before a reward, isn’t that just a hostage situation?

YOLO is not a justification for stupid behavior. We’re pretty sure YOLO is not a reasonable defense in your court system. FOMO sounds legit though.

The need for a Personal Assistant is just another way of saying you are an adult baby incapable of handling small stresses and functions of day-to-day existence.

With all the jumping, ducking, pouncing, lifting turtle shells, and heaving blocks, there is no reason Super Mario should be that fat.

Your fear of clowns is universal. We have conferred with our species and have determined clowns to be horrific in every way. The only problem is YOU INVENTED THEM.

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