Unlocked

Release Date: September 1, 2017

Genre: Action, Drama, Mystery

Director: Michael Apted

Writer: Peter O' Brien

Cast: Noomi Rapace, Orlando Bloom, John Malkovich, Michael Douglas, Toni Collette

It’s movies like this when I really miss Don LaFontaine. It’s not enough to have the BWAMP after every blackout or throughout an action sequence. I need to hear “In a world gone mad” or “Once upon a classified mission” or “Imagine a world where everyone speaks in clichéd soundbites”.

BWAMP! Oh here we go. For once I’d like to hear a rom-com start with that metallic gong. Malkovich! Hey, they caught one of the black-hooded gang. They always walkin’ around wearin’ black socks on their head, jammin’ to whatever is playing on their Beats by Dr. Dre. They’re a courier for Iman…the model? Oh, that bearded dude? He’s just a poor ol’ Rabbi trying to finish his Gefilte fish, will you leave him alone?!

Boy, Malkovich looks so bored. Is he reading off the script? I’m sorry to the writer, but all I can hear is “Malkovich Malkovich? Malkovich.”

Alice Racine…always lightly jogging in an establishing shot of her dark, career-driven, lonely lifestyle. Alice Racine…always lightly boxing in an establishing shot of her barren, yet affluent, lonely apartment. Alice Racine…always needed for her skill set. She makes a spinach soufflé that is so light and fluffy, you’d swear you were eating Anthrax.

“An attack on an American target in the UK”. Soccer? I get that you need to bring Americans in on this so American audiences will want to watch – if it doesn’t involve me, I don’t care! – but soccer? There’s no American team worth saving. “It’s thought to be biological.” Yes that is the new box set for Calvin Klein’s “Biological. Just for Americans.” Each bottle of cologne is rigged to a timer.

Geesh, porn is getting weird. Although I like the whole chained to a chair with a mask on. “Long, dark plane ride”. So, he’s flying Spirit?

Uh-oh, Mother is calling. Alice, this is the third time I’ve called you, why haven’t you called me back? You know I don’t mean to criticize but you always choose men whose goal in life is to deliver messages. None of them want to have a prominent career…maybe one not in explosives. Also, you’re looking a bit zaftig. Are you lightly jogging enough?

“Sir, we have been penetrated.” Yeah, I can relate…oh, I mean…WHAT?! The ol’ Kansas City Shuffle. I guess she just walked into a room and started throwing her black-and-white photos around, talkin’ ‘bout flight plans without asking if she was in the right place. Are you here for the Goldstein wedding? She’s been in a simulation this whole time, or an escape room. The only way out is to jog backwards wielding two guns at once. Although considering she has a very light grip on them – the way they be bouncin’ all around – I’m assuming she doesn’t really want to hit anybody.

“What is going on in London that involves the CIA and a terror strike?” I’ll go you one better: what is going on in London that involves Orlando Bloom walking around on rainy rooftops and Malkovich opening and closing a folio, which we all know has his script glued inside?

“I think I’ve unlocked a source for the terrorist.” She said it! 'Unlocked'. We can all go home.

Hey Kirk Douglas looks good for a hundred and somethin’.

And with 1 minute remaining in the trailer, we begin an onslaught of clichéd soundbites. It’s so much, so soon, that not even Malkovich on FaceTime can prevent the action-packed hemorrhage that is about to take place. Ready? Go!

“Let the past go, or it’s gonna get in the way when it counts.” “Global virus is the biggest threat to mankind.” “Each one a ticking bomb” “Incubation is fast.” “Start the timer.” “She has to be stopped.” (Did Malkovich just wake up? Was that an accent?) “The meter’s on, 3 hours” (In LA that parking would cost you a fortune.) “You got 5 minutes.” “Tell me how to stop it.” “You can’t.” “Abort! Abort!” (Annie Lennox?) “In a different world, it doesn’t come to this.” (What world? There’s only one reality, Bloom! And you still ain’t a leading man.) “What is your target?” “There’s no time for guessing.” “We are all in God’s hands.” “I like to think we have a say.” WHAM BAM THANK YOU MA’AM.

Looks like it’s a good day to die. Cut the red wire. Stand down. Not on my watch. It’s 11 o’clock; do you know where your children are? I still can’t believe it’s not butter. I coulda had a V8. Where’s the beef?

You get the gist. It’s time to unlock our inner Bourne and totally shut down for this movie because it looks like thinking too hard about logistics will only make you go dumb. Take a spoonful of biological warfare and drink your juice, Shelby.