What's My Grindr Line?

It's time to play America's favorite game!

How you start off a Grindr conversation can say cum loads about your personality, and while you may think you are being super original having just casted out the shiniest lure, your hook has landed on the back of your pants and caught your ass in quite the bind. The following are all-too-real one liners.

1. Hanging with some buds, watching porn, stroking, sucking, etc. Looking for others to join.

The Bro: This is your basic DL, hyper-masculine guy who is trying to evoke the frat atmosphere of a bunch of dudes sitting around a living room, watching hetero porn, and whippin’ their sausages out as a group – "totes no homo, brah". They choose a profile picture without a head or face in fear that someone might recognize them, which when you think about it makes no sense because what is the other guy doing on Grindr? I’m sure he’ll be wearing a backwards baseball cap and will not reciprocate oral. Or pretend he’s inept at it, to get out of being asked again.

2. Foot rub lol

The Undercover Kink: There’s always something special in mind, even if they are just too bashful to admit it. The ‘LOL’ is a defense mechanism just in case you are already slowly backing up toward the door, but if you were also of the same mind then game on! "I’ll get the heating oils, feathers, and straps." At least they know what they want.

3. [insert customary small talk funny line here]

The I’m-too-cool-but-am-really-giving-up-because-I-try-too-hard: Need I say more? They’ve been at this for a very long time but have yet to get one hook up and are giving up on any sort of "play" they think they had. "Fuck nice. Fuck sexy. What do you want from me; I just wanna get laid!"

4. Jump on this dick

The Aggressive: Woah, calm down cowboy. You are fired up and raring to go. Like a bull with its testicles in a clamp, you are buckin’ at the gate. First off, jumping on your dick will neither be pleasurable for you or me. I’m pretty sure your dick ain’t that hard to withstand the catapult of 155 lbs. Second, someone so pent up will probably unload in less than a minute so save me a trip and start washing out your tube socks.

5. What the fuck is with you and your profile?!

The Bully: This ain’t high school, you can’t get what you want by shoving me into a locker. What would I respond to this? "Thanks for the critique"? "I don’t know you; personal remarks are rude"? I could answer with "then why did you write to me?" but that’s exactly what he wants. And, like any bully, I can’t help but to feel like he ain’t packing much down there. Enjoy your insecurity!

6. Nice profile!

The 'Nice' Guy: Antithesis to the bully, this is the other guy in high school who always followed you around and complimented everything you ever farted out. Wasn’t that annoying? Of course it was, because things aren’t always “nice”. You have to respond with a "Thanks", but that’s how he gets you to start talking. I’m not going to return the compliment, otherwise we’re both going to become diabetic. My profile is set up the same as yours! I didn’t design it.

7. Carrying a cup and chain

The Creep: To be honest, I’m not sure what the hell this means. How do you respond to that? Whatever he was getting at, I feel like he’s waiting in a dark alley. "Oh, I love what you’ve done with your place…including the naked twinks floating in formaldehyde. Really ties the room together.” To be fair, perhaps this was the ending of a sentence he was writing to someone else, as in

“I like to walk into a room…”

“I imagine you dancing naked while…”

“Run if ever see me…”

8. How about that milkshake I was promised

The Douche: Someone who thinks they really deserve to get what they want. The whole world chases after them. It’s confidence, usually backed up with a certain air of not giving a fuck…and they really don’t! They’re not pretending; they just can’t help it. That’s why it’s intoxicating. They can use and abuse because their number one is themselves. The problem is, a lot of times, they are actually a great fuck.

9. *Dick Pic*

The Peacock: Always spreading their feathers. If the first thing they start off with is an abrasive picture of their junk, then they probably aren’t really looking for someone. They just want the compliment. “Holy Moses, look at that thing! Put a party hat on it, because it’s gonna host my birthday.” The reality is sometimes it’s pretty, but most times it shouldn’t be taken out. What’s sad is, back in the day people were arrested for flashing their meat in public. This is just an app that promises anonymity, so why step outside and grab some exercise when you can be a dirty old man in the privacy and comfort of your living room?

10. Hi/How’s it going?/How are you?

The Majority: For the rest of us, we’re timid, we’re trying not to be the type of guy that fits into any of these categories, but the truth is, we’re just hiding who we really are. Who are we kidding? We’re horny; we want sex! But instead of jumping into the extremes like these other fellas, we mask it with formalities and pretending to care how the other person’s day was, or what they are up to. No one cares; we just wanna get this love boat pumping so it can dock at the nearest port: your butt.

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