Footage of The Great Barrier Reef in its last moments has gone viral thanks to three Florida teens who were on Summer vacation in Queensland, Australia. The teens in question – Finne Kankerwitz (17), Diamond Prestley (16), and Pfeiffer Saltz (16) – happened to be passing by on Prestley’s father’s tuna yacht when they witnessed a large mound of orange coral, blanching before their angsty eyes. Rather than calling for help, Kankerwitz took out his phone and began to record the tragedy. Along with the terrifying visual, the teens can be heard narrating the footage as follows:
KANKERWITZ: Dude, check this out, yo.
PRESTLEY: Eww, that’s like…hella gross. It’s turning so pale!
SALTZ: Look at it struggle. What a f****t.
PRESTLEY: If I ever blanche like that, shoot me in the f****n’ face.
SALTZ: Dude, did you just say ‘blanche’?
PRESTLEY: I totally did! OMG.
KANKERWITZ: *Laughs* You’re a totes nerd.
PRESTLEY: I’m almost as nerdy as Sarah Stein when she came into P.E. all like ‘Oh I can’t play today because the chemo is making me nauseous.’
KANKERWITZ: Such a slut bag.
SALTZ: Yo, does your dad have any drugs?
PRESTLEY: We totes could find some. I wanna get krunk [sp?] with Four Loko.
SALTZ: That’s the bomb.
KANKERWITZ: We could snort your dad’s Viagra. I heard that will get you [inaudible slang].
PRESTLY: Don’t talk about my dad’s penis, are you like totally gay for him?
KANKERWITZ: You brought it up slut bag!
SALTZ: We should totally suck your dad’s d**k.
KANKERWITZ: Dude, is this thing dead yet?
Australian authorities were alerted of the teens’ video when it was posted on Kankerwitz’ Instagram, tagging the Great Barrier Reef in its own death video. Marine officials – Captain Royce Underweather (52) and Officer Charley “The Squid” Bennett (34) - caught up with the tuna yacht to interrogate the three teens when they came upon a sight as shocking as the footage: all three teens had indeed snorted Viagra, as the two males were reported with obscene erections and the female with an enlarged Carotid Artery; the three suspects had also ingested copious amounts of Downey Unstopables which caused Saltz to have an apparent seizure and Prestley to start devouring Kankerwitz’ nose.
Upon discovery, Underweather took out his phone and began to record the tragic scene. The Officers can be heard narrating the footage as follows:
UNDERWEATHER: Oy, Squid, check this out.
BENNETT: That’s rank. Look at the Sheila chompin’ on his nosey.
UNDERWEATHER: Like a Dingo on a Roo’s tail.
BENNETT: Hello, what’s this? *Picking up empty Downey Unstopables bottle* No wonder it smells so fresh in here. Just like a [inaudible Australian slang].
UNDERWEATHER: Don’t be a dag. Oy, these mates’ old fellas look like schooners. They all crack a fat?
BENNETT: *Laughs* You wobbly for a bit of [inaudible Australian slang] and then grab the ol’ [inaudible Australian slang] with their doodles?
UNDERWEATHER: Mate, they gone all cactus?
This footage was later uploaded onto Underweather’s Instagram, tagging Kankerwitz in his own death video. After being questioned why he felt the need to record video, Underweather cited it as marine evidence. After being questioned why he felt the need to post it on social media, Underweather stated he saw it as an opportunity for the Australian Marine Conservation Society to gain more followers.
The only party being charged with a crime is The Great Barrier Reef for fraud: claiming to be completely dead, when at best it is just mostly dead.