With LGBT Pride Month coming to a close, it's important to educate yourself with knowledge about being gay. Here are 30 fun factoids about the common variety homosexual for the average hetero. #nohomo
June 1: Contrary to popular belief and the original definition of the word, not all "gay" people are happy - in fact it is believed they have a whole range of emotion.
June 2: When an “LGBT” being is born, a doctor deems if the baby has ten fingers and ten toes. In most cases, this is true. Next time you are out and about, see if you can recognize an LGBT by this anomaly!
June 3: Love, a basic human emotion, is given to most “LGBT” beings through parents, family, friends, others like them, and even some animals. In this sense, love can also be given back to people and animals they choose. Break another little piece of your “LGBT” heart!
June 4: The notion that homosexual men jump head over heels for musical theatre is a frolicking error; many such men do indeed dislike musicals very much so. Do-re-mi some earplugs!
June 5: Although the fates have determined you to be the same sex as a homosexual being, this does not mean you are attractive to them; you might be too short, too tall, too fat, too skinny, too ugly, or just too stupid. Sorry 'bout it.
June 6: According to a study in 2011, Psychology Today reports that, on average, men think about sex 18.6 times a day; women think about sex 9.9 times a day. The subjects were both “straight” and “LGBT” beings. From this, one can assume that “LGBT” beings think about sex every…oh my god, I just thought of a penis.
June 7: After much deliberation, debate, and religious turmoil, it was agreed that “LGBT” beings are carbon-based life forms, who receive their energy from the sun, and have a life expectancy of 75 to 80 years. If your stomach can handle it, you should know they breathe in oxygen and dispel carbon dioxide. It’s understandable if you need a moment to take this all in.
June 8: In a society without judgment and fear, there is a notion known as “free love”. This suggests that homosexuals can choose to have sex with beings of the opposite sex, just as heterosexuals can choose to have sex with beings of the same sex – some will like it, some won’t. Whatever manner sex you partake in, please do take a nice shower afterward.
June 9: If a “LGBT” being holds a job, they can earn money. With their gained capital, they can purchase goods and services, thereby helping to stimulate our open market economy. I once gave money for a “happy ending” massage – talk about your stimulation.
June 10: “LGBT” female beings go through puberty from ages 8 to 13. “LGBT” male beings go through puberty from ages 9 to 15. It is during this time that children enter adolescence, and begin to grow into their adult bodies. As this wondrous journey progresses, not only do they have to come to terms with the oily awkwardness of their developing hormones, but must also face their chums’ hostility to difference. I heart anxiety!
June 11: The symbols “L”, “G”, “B”, “T”, “Q”, “I”, “A” are, actually, letters of the alphabet. Society deems it necessary to classify individuals in order to avoid any confusion about being an individual. If heterosexuals want to be labeled with a letter, they can have “S” for “Straight”. Yay! They’re a member of the “Straight” group.
June 12: The American Family Association would rather the American Boy Scouts drown in a sea than allow LGBTQ scouts. Drastic, but I would rather drown them for their dorky color scheme.
June 13: Hollywood calls it brave when “straight” actors play “LGBT” characters (they are usually bestowed an award, especially if they are playing “LGBT” and dying from it); logic dictates the inverse to be true as well. In fact, it is believed this may already be occurring. Those secret “LGBT” actors are courageous souls for taking on such alien roles.
June 14: Folklore has it that pop star Lady Gaga is the official spokesperson for “LGBT” beings. However, no legitimate record can be found of a vote taking place in which this is true. They may indeed be leaderless.
June 15: *Special Father’s Day Factoid* Before June 26, 2015, at least 16 out of our 50 states had definitely legalized adoption for “LGBT” beings. The other 34 states followed the logic that children were better off homeless, fending for themselves, rather than in a loving, nurturing environment. Lucky them – Happy Father’s Day!
June 16: A flag is a tool used by a group of people to mark their territory. “LGBT” beings have their own flag. A rainbow, their symbol, is a weather phenomenon caused when raindrops reflect sunlight like a prism. When you see a rainbow in the sky, know that somewhere “LGBT” beings are disrupting the fabric of society. If you see a double rainbow…God, help you.
June 17: Members of the “Straight” community seem to not appreciate the public expression of love or intimacy between “LGBT” beings. “LGBT” beings, on the other hand, enjoy very much when “straight” beings flaunt their sexual activity. What time is the next showing of “When Harry’s Tongue Met Sally’s Tonsils”?
June 18: Alexander the Great, Socrates, Richard I, Walt Whitman, Herman Melville, Oscar Wilde, Gertrude Stein, Marcel Proust, Virginia Woolf, Sergei Eisenstein, Frida Kahlo, Truman Capote, Tennessee Williams, Cole Porter, Pier Paolo Pasolini, Jean Cocteau, Leonard Bernstein, Edward Albee, Allen Ginsberg, Harvey Milk, Andy Warhol, Stephen Sondheim, Freddy Mercury, Tom Ford, Tony Kushner, and David Sedaris all have something in common…they don’t eat Chik-fil-A, cook with Barilla pasta, or step on Superman’s cape!
June 19: To the dismay of many heterosexual beings, no homosexual man is truly a fairy or a fruit. They have no magical powers, although sometimes do trail sequins. They, also, are not edible. We all have to get our Vitamin C from somewhere else. However, protein abounds!
June 20: Many heterosexual men go out of their way to avoid being perceived as a “LGBT” being. This is the reason why heterosexual men wear heavy loafers as homosexual men tend to wear lighter loafers. For extra measure, heterosexual men may want to add bricks to the bottom of their shoes. In case you find yourself in water, at least you won’t drown light in the loafers.
June 21: American sports, according to common social principles, are a test of heterosexual masculinity. Many athletes don’t want a homosexual on their team because nothing should disrupt the manly practice of mounting, slapping each other’s asses, and showering naked together…like the Ancient Greeks! No one was as heterosexual as them.
June 22: Conversion therapy, a practice now legal to use even on minors in 40 states, is designed to reform “LGBT” beings into healthy, active, heterosexual members of society. Many historians are sensing a strange déjà vu-like feeling; it could be something related to Jews, or Native Americans, or African Americans…oh well, I guess we’ll never know.
June 23: “Straight” beings who are unsettled by the very existence of “LGBT” beings, and who feel the urgent need to tell the world, use “Freedom of Speech” to support their attacks. Unfortunately, the Constitution does not protect them from being assholes.
June 24: “LGBT” beings are allotted the first Saturday in June to cause havoc and mayhem at Disney World. For the rest of the year, “LGBT” beings are left to wonder why Donald Duck does not wear pants.
June 25: Soldiers get a parade. Athletes get a parade. Astronauts get a parade. “LGBT” beings get a parade. There is no parade for being “Straight”. When a “LGBT” being announces themselves to the world, it can make headlines. When a being realizes they are “Straight”, there are no headlines. I’m sensing a lot of people are bitter for feeling left out.
June 26: Homosexual and Bisexual men cannot donate blood. The mutant chromosomes in their bloodstream could cause a dying Heterosexual to live longer. Philosophers agree this is a clever means in which to decrease the surplus population, and prevent Homosexuals from receiving free movie tickets.
June 27: Sexual relations between those of the same sex has been federally legal since 2003. “LGBT” beings have been a federally protected class since 2013. Now that equal rights are bleeding out like sap from a tree, hopefully by 2023, “LGBT” beings can become a member of the United Federation of Planets.
June 28: Religious fanatics say The Bible clearly reads “Adam and Eve” not “Adam and Steve”. Literary scholars have proven this to be true. However, it should be noted, Eve was still going through the process of sex reassignment. The paperwork had not been filed when the novel was written.
June 29: There is a common argument that if “LGBT” beings get married to each other, “what’s next, chickens and goats?” These factoids can be put together to indeed assert in a court of law that “LGBT” beings neither belong to the goat or chicken family, but can be classified as human. Goats and chickens will have to fight for their own equality.
June 30: Hopefully, this past month has been informative for the average “Straight” being in learning some of the mysterious ways of the “LGBT” being. It is important to note that “LGBT” beings live amongst you 12 months out of the year, and do not come out of hiding for their “Pride” month. See you next June!