Movies for Shmucks

I don’t know about you, but nothing gets my gooses bumping more than watching trailers after having gone broke paying for a ticket to see the latest [insert a superhero movie here because Hollywood has been taken over by nerds]. Nothing sells a movie quite like a trailer. The coolest action sequences are spliced together along with some badass, menacing, slowed-down version of a classic rock song, and the obligatory metallic-sounding “BWAMP”, which punctuates the blandest of statements and turns them into something foreboding the apocalypse. A must-see! Take my 20 bucks!

This section is dedicated to the trailers that hype us, scare us, and act as a warning that no good can come of the two-hour version of this two-minute advertisement. Pop the corn and sticky your floors, let’s go to the movies.

January 19, 2018

I dare you to watch this movie straight through and not think really hard about plot logic. This dare gets people every time.

December 22, 2017

This New Year, Liam Neeson like you've never seen him before: kicking ass...on public transportation. If you don't give him your seat, he'll just take it.

October 27, 2017

A month from this Halloween, a group of uncomfortable-looking Millennials encounter a nerdy camera ghost who is dying to be in their selfie.

September 29, 2017

This October, a mountain falls in love with two humans and cums between them. Kate Winslet must decide between a meat popsicle and a rock.

September 1, 2017

In a world where biological warfare is Malkovich, the only person they call to Malkovic is a woman whose one rule is to Malkovich Malkovich. This Malkovich, war Malko-Malkovich. Malkovich Malkovich.

August 4, 2017

The following article was written for the visually impaired.

July 7, 2017

A genie enrolls back into high school to prove it's not out-of-touch with today's youth, but learns that being popular means more than how many souls you reap.

June 29, 2017

Mandy Moore and Claire Holt star in this underwater horror thriller about a Fratty shark's quest to spend his last college summer vacation eating as much pussy as he can get.

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