Dating for Shmucks

So far, there have only been two times in my life when I’ve had contact with someone in person before going on a date with them. Meaning, we talked beforehand, recognized emotional and physical connection, and then proceeded to navigate the uncharted waters of “do we awkwardly kiss now or get the check?” Other than that, it’s been online dating or dating apps that have been the platform for long, stretched out – like sometimes pulling teeth – tedious small talk that might or might not, at the very least, lead to a blowjob.

What I’ve noticed – for which I am in no way placing blame on this generation or day-and-age like some old man yelling at clouds – people can barely hold a conversation. This section is dedicated to actual exchanges taken place on OkCupid, Tinder, or Grindr; some are shorter than others, and I may not always know exactly how to answer – though my inner-voice can read between the lines – or construct a perfect dialogue, but you’re way worse.


February 2, 2018

Need an idea of where to take your first date? Forget the museum, or the beach. Really ignite the sparks in your loins with these 5 fun and creative date nights.

December 29, 2017

OkCupid wants you to start using real names. But you can still call me whatever you want. Just not fat.

November 3, 2017

In just five easy questions, I guarantee I can sum up whether or not we will get along. This scientifically-proven exam will fondle your brain better than a surgeon performing a craniotomy.

October 6, 2017

It's date night. Light the scented candles, warm up the oils, and deal the tarot cards. Will the stars align, or will I be damned? "Uno!"

September 8, 2017

Hi fellas, I'm very down-to-earth, chill, and super fun. I only go to the gym and collect nuts for the winter time. I can only eat food that floats, and anything that won't create body fat. My life is hectic: gym, taking shirtless pictures, and gym.

August 11, 2017

A dick pic can say a 1,000 words. If that's true, then these gentlemen talk too much. If any of these pick up lines sound familiar then it was probably you who sent it.

July 14, 2017

The OkCupid questionnaire tells suitors I'm a slutty hippie who would sell one of your organs for a spoonful of heroin. My date is sure in for a surprise when he learns who else I live with.

June 29, 2017

A Tinder match who likes to travel, but travel alone. Don't follow him!

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