Aliens are Shmucks Too

In 1977, Voyager 1 and Voyager 2 spacecraft carried a golden record embedded with proof of human life; a sampling of images and sounds that scientists believed best reflected the glories of humanity. Among the existential knick knacks are images of humans eating, human anatomy, and even human reproduction. Scientists thought it best not to include sounds of human reproduction or eating, thus not to gross out extraterrestrial life. Chuck Barry, however, was included.

Early yesterday morning, NASA finally received a reply. A series of encrypted messages was sent out from the most outer ring of Uranus. Scientists are all giddy, diligently trying to translate and probe the encryptions for meaning. Slowly, but surely, Uranus is dripping with the nectar of life.

The following are the messages Earth has received.

January 5, 2018

Aliens learn to celebrate the New Year. They know of a big blue ball they'd like to drop.

December 8, 2017

Aliens have the attention span to take on Christmas but not Hanukkah. You try eight nights of observation.

October 13, 2017

Aliens have the best Halloween costume: a human being. Now that's frightening.

September 15, 2017

Turns out aliens are not so different from you and I; they hate clowns just as much as we do.

August 19, 2017

Aliens come clean about one of the biggest conspiracies known in human history. An ancient puzzle solved; NASA is flabbergasted.

July 21, 2017

NASA has translated a second set of messages from Uranus. Looks like Aliens are really getting a handle on human existence.

June 27, 2017

Aliens make their first response since receiving the Golden Record. NASA is slowly translating decades worth of observations.

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